Friday, May 27, 2011

the girl that grabbed the hornet's nest

I've realized that when I am very sleep deprived, there tends to also be....hallucinations. When Jack was first born, I was very much in need for a good sleep plus the anxiousness about the 8lb 6oz bundle of fragileness that slept in his crib next to our bed was almost overwhelming. When I did get sleep, it was only hours at a time and the quality of the sleep wasn't all unicorns and rainbows since waking up at random intervals to check on Jack was a regular occurance. Consequentially and because of the very little sleep I had gotten, I tended to, hmm, imagine things that weren't real.

These hallucinations weren't like I-see-people-telling-me-things type of hallucinations. They were the in-between feeling of being asleep and dreaming but also awake and aware of my surroundings. I would often wake up and it would take some time and very hard thinking to understand where I was and more importantly, where Jack was.

All new moms know the eating habits of babies when they are young. Just in case you don't know, babies eat all. the. time. Jack ate every 2-3 hours, 24 hours a day. At night, I found that by nursing him in bed, I could catch some z's and he could eat some food.

This is where the first set of hallucinations began. I would wake up in a frenzy thinking I had been nursing Jack and fell asleep. I would be pulling the covers off of me thinking I was smothering the poor bean. As I was pulling covers and searching the bed for a good minute or two,I realized that Jack was safely tucked away in his crib.

This happened for several nights. Try every single night. Like, every single hour of the night. To me, it seemed so real and poor Tyler had to deal with the mommy mental patient for many, many nights. This brings us to Tyler. Oh, Tyler... what a saint! Soon he was pulled into my frenzy's against his will and to his confusion.

When Jack got old enough, I soon began to nurse him while laying down. But again, sleep deprivation + nursing Jack while laying down= sleep hallucinations. Sometimes I would even fall back asleep for a minute while nursing him only to wake up, place him back in his crib and go back to sleep. However, sometimes I would forget the "put him back in his crib" step. Then I would be waking up like a crazy woman thinking I was smothering my little pickle.

There was an incident where I was SURE Jack was under the covers. So as I repeatedly tried to uncover him and pick him up, I slowly woke up and realized that I had been groping at Tyler's leg in an attempt to pick "jack" up. I was fully prepared to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on Tyler's thigh! Poor Tyler woke up wondering who the heck was trying to swaddle his leg and like a good husby, forgave me and we both went back to bed.

That experience was way back when Jack was barely a month old. So, you would think that by now, 8 months, my hallucinations would be gone, right?

Not, exactly.

We are actually right in the middle of a move. So let me set up another equation for you. Homework + vinyl shop + moving + farmer's market + taking care of Jack = one tired mother

Because of the move, Jack had been waking up multiple times in the night. His schedule was way out of whack and it was showing when he would wake up 3-4 times a night to nurse. In order for me to catch up on some much needed sleep, I would nurse him in bed again. I should have realized that the combination of such events would result in a mishap at Tyler's expense.

It was very early morning and I was just convinced that Jack was sleeping next to me. In fact, this time, I was positive. I heard Tyler shifting his weight to roll over in his sleep and in an attempt to save "Jack", I grabbed "him" and told Tyler not to move or else he was going to roll on top of Jack. Tyler continued to shift a bit and so I held on tighter to "Jack" and pushed Tyler with my arm in an attempt to keep him from rolling right on top of the Mr.

Me: "Tyler, don't move! Jack is right here!"

Tyler: "What are you talking about? What are you doing?"

Me: "He's right here, sleeping! I'm holding him"

Tyler: "Jessica! You're holding my crotch!"

That conversation was enough to really get me to wake up and I realized, like so many times before, Jack was fine and Tyler had gotten the short end of my psycho hallucinations. Once I realized this, we laughed pretty hard at the fact that I had grabbed Tyler's manhood thinking I was grabbing Jack.

So seriously, when you have a kid, take advantage of as much sleep as possible for your husband's sake.


Ann Barlow said...

Hahahahahahahahaha!! Oh, gosh! PS:I love the way you write your stories.

Jenna said...

DOOD. Like, the SAME THING happened to me when I had Audrey. Carson, too, but not as much. But it was so weird. One time I tried to pick up DILLON. I mean, pathetic! But I never tried to grab his crotch, LOL!

I also had dreams almost every night that Audrey was drowning in the tub. Gosh, I don't miss those days. Just know you're not alone!

TheHolleys said...

That is one of the funniest stories I have heard in a long time!! I hope it is getting better for you..thank goodness for a patient husband!! :) This post made my day! lol

Maynards said...

Bahahahaha! Oh man, that is hilarious! I hope the move is going well for you guys and that you can feel settled soon. Good luck with everything.

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